#6 – …on a falling tear
I will never be ashamed for having loved you
I will always weight you like my name
You’re in every breath I take, every promise that I make
With every tender touch our life can change
There’s music playing in the background; something festive
and merry and she still can’t get over how many candles Kay and Bodhi were able
to hang from tree limbs. They are everywhere, casting a soft light as they turn
and twinkle against the settling sun. There’s so much food and drink, there is
no way she is going to ask Leia where it all came from.
Leia coordinated the whole thing, was maniacal down to the
last detail. We deserve this, you both
deserve this, after everything we have done and everything we have been through.
It’s time, don’t you think?
She couldn’t agree with her more but there is a knot of
tension settling in her stomach and she is not completely sure why.
She moves to the side of Leia’s home, where she can watch
everything unfolding without being noticed. She’s not sure why she feels so
anxious, so out of sorts. This should be a wonderful day, something she’s
waited for years for, never thought would ever be possible. Today was
everything they all have been waiting for.
But for some reason, she feels torn in half as if a part of
her is missing and can’t get it back. She doesn’t think of her parents as much
as she has in the past, of everyone she has loved and lost and but there are
days that she wonders what her life could have looked like now if she hadn’t
been Galen Erso’s daughter.
No Jedha, no Baze, no Chirrut, no Bodhi, no Eadu, no Scarif,
no Death Star.
No Cassian.
With the war over and (relative) peace flowing around them,
she wonders what her place in this new life will be. There are days when she
feels like she’s missing out on something, as if an adventure is out there
right now happening without her, an adventure that’s passing her by. She can
close her eyes and remember everything, from the scent of the grass on Lah’mu
to the bitter cold of Hoth and everything in between. It’s as if all those
moments were laid out just for her and snatched away, just as she reaches out
for them.
Sighing, she looks around at the flow of people in the
Solo’s small yard. Couples dancing, Baze leaning against a tree smirking at a
story Chirrut is sharing. Everything appears so normal, so ordinary. Sighing
again, she wonders if she was made for this ordinary life.
She has only known
extraordinary (unfortunate ordinary).
She feels a tear escape and lets it fall. She is not sure
why she’s crying but looking around her, she realizes that THIS IS everything
that she gave up so much for and it’s perfectly perfect.
She doesn’t realize that she’s twisting the simple band on
her left hand, around and around, until he gently places a hand over hers. He
sits down next to her, moving his hand to caress the nape of her neck. She
inhales the scent of him and a part of her acknowledges how right this, how
good.
Cassian.
Everything that means anything to her is in this man.
“No regrets?” His fingers slide gently down her arm before
settling lightly on her hand.
She smiles as she turns to him, this man who loves her
unconditionally and wholly, and sees the trace of doubt that linger in his
eyes. Even after all these years, he still wants to default to state of
preservation (they both do) but he hides his doubts and insecurities, trusting
in her and in them.
As she looks up at him, she thinks about all those years
before him, of hollow days and endless nights; nights where she would look to
the sky and silently beg the stars to align for her, just once. She remembers
the emptiness of her life and there are still small moments when she can
remember the bitter taste of disappointment that this would be her life.
Before.
But tonight; with this quiet, confident man sitting next to
her, she understands that she will love this man for all her life and doesn’t
want to begin to imagine what life would be like without him.
She thinks she already knows.
So, with a small shake of her head, she allows all those
memories to slide back into the past where they belong and beams up at her
husband.
“None at all. I’m ready.”
He leans over and reaches out a hand to brush the lone tear
away. He leans forward and presses a soft kiss on the trail the tear left
behind before leaning his forehead against hers.
“I love you.”
She smiles and cups a hand against his jawline, “I know.”
say you love me 