firefeufuego2:

It’s finally here!

Chapter 6 of encore (et moi je t’aime encore plus fort) – panic! at the airport

Jyn and Cassian talk it out

Cassian spends most of the next day trying to reassure himself that the past week wasn’t just the combined product of his imagination and too much mezcal. In the afternoon, he looks down to see an unknown number flash across his screen and feels an almost adolescent giddiness as he answers, making sure to keep his tone somewhat professional in case it’s not her.

‘Cassian?’ There’s something off in her voice, panicked and trembling just under the surface.

‘Jyn, what’s wrong?’ Any excitement has soured into dread.

Her first response comes out as fast as a reflex, ‘It’s no-’, but she cuts herself off. She takes a deep breath and says, ‘I’m flying out of that same fucking terminal at JFK and I just can’t stop thinking about it. All I wanted to do last time was to hear your voice, so…’ She sighs and it’s hitched and ragged. ‘I’m sorry, it feels wrong to ask you to comfort me about this.’

‘Oh.’ He can’t help but feel relieved, which is such a strange thing to feel in connection to any reminder of that night. Of course there’s a mess of much uglier emotion writhing underneath, small sparks of spite and schadenfreude, but they are mostly dampened by the pleased surprise that she told him at all. The Jyn that left him kept her panic under lock and key. She wouldn’t have called if she couldn’t keep her voice steady and she certainly wouldn’t have told him what was wrong. ‘No, I’m glad you called. I-’ He doesn’t know what to say. It’s okay doesn’t work because it’s not, but he wants to calm that shaking pain in her. He settles on, ‘I wanted to hear your voice too.’

Jyn’s quiet for a long moment, but he can hear her breathing slow. ‘Usually I couldn’t bear to think about it. When I did, I told myself that it couldn’t have hurt you as much as it hurt me because you didn’t care as much. It was the only way I could deal with the guilt. I don’t really know how to deal with it now.’

He wants so badly to offer her his forgiveness, but he’s not there yet. Still, the evidence in her voice of just how difficult and painful it was for her to leave acts as a balm to his still simmering anger. He’d been upset the other day when he found out she’d been at the airport the whole time, but surely this is better than if she’d been sitting in London, letting him go all the way to JFK and wait for hours before sending that text. It’s not okay, but it’s better. ‘I’m still not sure how to forgive you either, but I think we’ll get there. Just, don’t leave like that again.’

She lets out a sad little laugh. ‘The way I feel right now? I swear I’d tie myself to you for life if you’d let me.’

Cassian smiles, feeling the conversation settle and ease somewhat. He still wants to make her feel better, and while forgiveness might be beyond him for now, flirting he can do. ‘That might make for a refreshing change of pace. Normally I’m the one being tied up.’

He hears the delicious hitch of her breath as the image plays in her mind. She starts to speak then stops to listen to the announcement that the 3.30 flight to Boston is starting to board. ‘Oh, that’s me.’ She sighs. ‘Two months, Cass, then you can tie me to whatever you like.’

Where the tour had seemed like a good amount of breathing space last night, now the time seems to stretch out interminably before them. ‘Have a safe flight. Call me whenever.’

‘I’ll call you tomorrow, and I’m keeping this number for the whole tour so you can call me as well. I don’t care if I’m in the middle of a performance, if you call me, I’ll answer.’ She says it like an oath.

‘I think I might just download your tour schedule, but thank you. I’ll talk to you soon.’ The words slip out of his mouth and he realises that he believes them, unquestioningly. Jyn will call him tomorrow and he can call the day after that. It feels small compared to the valley of broken trust between them but still, it’s not nothing.

‘I love you, Cassian.’ She says it deliberately, so it can’t be mistaken for an easy, thoughtless farewell.

He mirrors her tone. ‘I love you, Jyn.’

After they hang up, he realises that they just made it through a conversation about some of their messiest emotions without either of them closing up. Hope, and that giddiness from earlier, spring up in him. Humming to himself, Cassian grabs his cat and hugs him close. Kay 2 is not amused.