Fic: Six In, Six Out

cats-and-metersticks:

For @thefulcrumcaptain‘s Cassian Andor Prompt-a-Thon!

I filled the prompt: Five times Cassian had to keep himself from crying and one time he couldn’t choke back his tears.

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1- 

Cassian doesn’t cry when Draven tells him his parents are dead. Mostly because this isn’t a surprise. He already knows what warships look like, and what happens when they touch down outside a city. But mostly he suspects that Draven isn’t the sort of man who would appreciate a crying child, and Cassian already wants to please this man, who walks with such confidence everywhere he goes, even down the halls of the small transport craft. One day, Cassian hopes to move like that, like he knows where he’s going and what he’s doing. For months, everything has been so new and confusing, and no one will tell him anything. It makes him feel smaller than he is, and he’s small enough to fit inside the low cupboard in the kitchen.

It contains freeze-dried food with labels in basic he can’t read, but it’s only half full and he steals away to squeeze into the corner when Draven says in poor Festian, “They’re dead, Cassian. The sooner you understand that the better.”

His eyes burn and fill with tears and he runs away to the cabinet, just in case they spill over by accident.

But he’s determined to hold it in, because he won’t always be able to run away. So he breathes slow and deep, counting to six in and counting to six out, and blinks slowly, keeping his eyes wide so they dry out. He’s successful, in the end, and proud of the way he kept control.

But he stays in the cupboard for a few hours more, and when he emerges he tries to imitate the way Draven walks, like he understands the world, like he’s not afraid.

Finish on AO3