Season’s Greetings, @saltmaven!! It’s me, your rebelcaptain secret santa!!
As maybe you can tell, my brain wrote a check my ass couldn’t quite cash, so this comes to you in two parts, and Part One is up now!
The prompt was Post-RoTJ, and I immediately had an idea based on the answer I wrote to this ask by @oh-nostalgiaa, and when you mentioned your affinity for angst I felt kinda compelled to deliver……
Needless to say, my extremely patient beta @thegiddyowl assures me it’s angsty and hopefully you’ll get to break out that special tissue box XD
But enough about me, here’s
(the first half of)your fic!!––
Summary: Jyn and Cassian managed to survive the war, so why does peacetime feel so much harder?
It was late when Cassian came to bed, but Jyn was still awake. She usually was at this time of night, but she wasn’t sure if Cassian knew that. He probably did. He always seemed to know when she tried to hide things.
Either way, he didn’t acknowledge it. He entered the room without turning on the light, and she heard him grunt as he sat on the bed to take off his trousers. Last year, or even a few months ago, she might’ve turned around then– offered to fetch the heating pad, or rub some of the knots from the muscles at the base of his spine. She might’ve told him to replace his desk chair with one that offered more support, or to go to the physical therapy sessions Kalonia recommended. But at some point she’d given up on that sort of thing. He never listened, and she was tired.
Cassian settled down on the bed behind her, on his side facing the door. Once, he might’ve curled around her instead of facing away, a bony arm wrapped around her shoulder and nose pressed into her hair. He might’ve whispered that he was sorry, or that he loved her, and pressed his hand on top of hers.
When she closed her eyes, she could almost remember what that felt like, that warm weight on the back of her arm. There was a time, she was sure, when his touch electrified her, awoke every nerve in her body, made her mind feel sharp and clear.
On Endor, he’d charged through a mass of Ewoks and soldiers and medics to get to her, before sweeping her up in his arms when he saw her alive and breathing, if bruised and one ankle wrapped in bacta. Most of Jyn’s memories of that day were a blur of overwhelming relief– that they had both survived against all odds, and that her father’s creation was gone again, for good.
She remembered they kissed that night, at the edge of the bonfire watching the Rebellion revel in pure joy for the first time in their memory. They’d kissed before that, but it had been different. Hesitant, unsure, fleeting. Never sure where the next cycle would take them, unable to commit in the uncertainty of war.
But that night Cassian cupped her face in his hands and really kissed her, eyes shining and cheeks about to burst from smiling, and told her he could never be apart from her again, that he’d stay with her forever if she’d have him.
At the time, she allowed herself to hope they’d be done with death and fighting, but instead what followed was a year of tense anticipation and frantic preparation to defeat the last of the Imperial forces. On Jakku, Jyn found herself stationed on the ground, and despite being out of the field for years Cassian managed to talk his way into piloting the U-wing that brought her down. The ground battle that followed was a bloodbath, the Imperial forces fighting like sentients possessed, detonating grenades in their own hands if it would kill some of the rebels.
When the Ravager was destroyed, Cassian found her half-buried under the wreckage of a farmstand, pinned under the bodies of two dead soldiers and covered in their blood. Although by some miracle barely hurt, she couldn’t speak for hours after, and Cassian held her while she trembled against his chest.
Jyn closed her eyes and wondered if she’d dream of that again. It would be a nightmare, but perhaps not so unwelcome. Nothing since had felt quite so real.
from Tumblr https://leaiorganas.tumblr.com/post/189968691170
say you love me 