Parka (The Only Thing She Had Left) – Chapter 13

Parka (The Only Thing She Had Left) – Chapter 13:

sleepykalena:

Thanks for your patience, as always, @captainandors ❤

Get ready for 10k+ of ups and downs, but the good news everyone was hoping for has finally arrived!

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“Not even one drink? It’s part of the ritual, Jyn,” Bodhi
chided once more, pouting.

“It’s been a long day- I really can’t afford the headache,”
she insisted, and she gave him her best smile before turning to walk away. The
room was quiet as the crowd parted once again to let her through, but the
silence didn’t last long as Melshi climbed up and shouted something
unintelligible, causing the sentients to cheer and return to their noise. The
sound was sharp, a vibroblade poking through her temples, and she picked up her
pace to get away from it all.

Jyn found solace in looking back up at the stars, just as
she did months ago when she couldn’t sleep, but the pain in her head stayed
sharp as the nagging thoughts re-emerged.

When did the sleep finally return to her? She wasn’t so
sure.

She remembered needing Cassian’s parka next to her just so
she could sleep soundly.

When did she start to sleep without it? She couldn’t
remember when the nightmares finally ended.

You no longer dream of
him.

She thought back to her quarters, remembering that Cassian’s
parka no longer hung on the closet door, but lay inside, folded and tucked away
under other clothes.

When did she make the decision to do that? She couldn’t
remember when she took the parka down from its hanger to make space for her
expanding wardrobe.

You tucked your memories
of him away.

She recalled the times she couldn’t go a standard day
without seeing traces of Cassian wherever she went or hear whispers of him
whenever a phrase or tone of voice felt too eerily familiar to the man she
loved.

When did she stop seeing his ghost in her mind? She couldn’t
remember when the mental images of him faded away.

You no longer think of
him.

No, that wasn’t true. Thinking of him was what landed her in
so much trouble with Draven.

It’s been six months.

She couldn’t believe that much time had passed.

You moved on and left
him behind.

That wasn’t right. Sure, she had moved on, but she hadn’t-

You’ve forgotten him.

The image of Melshi’s blaster pointing directly at her came
to mind, and the memories of her mistake came flooding back- the blaster shot
to the head, the trail of blood she left in her wake, the innocent sentients
running for their lives, the reinforcements that quickly came…all of it.

She was supposed to honor him by living on and continuing to
work towards a better galaxy that he’d never get to see. He planted the seeds;
all she had to do was water them.

What had she even truly accomplished in the six months since
then?

Bitter tears rolled silently down her cheeks, and the stars
blurred again as the guilt pressed down on her chest. Was the galaxy even
slightly better thanks to her? She wasn’t so sure. All she knew was that she
was letting him down, and he wasn’t even around to say anything comforting.

[read the whole chapter on ao3!]